Because sometimes it’s not the schoolwork that’s the problem. It’s everything else that comes with being at school.

If you’re raising a neurodivergent child, there’s a good chance you’ve spent a fair amount of time thinking about school. Not just whether your child is learning or keeping up with their classmates.

But whether they’re coping.

Whether they’re eating lunch. Whether they have someone to sit with. Whether they know what to do when things become overwhelming. Whether they’ll ask for help if they need it.

And, perhaps most importantly, whether the child you collect at the end of the day is going to have anything left in the tank.

I’ve learned that there’s a big difference between a child who is managing school and a child who is actually okay at school.

And sometimes that difference is very difficult for other people to see.

When people talk about reasonable adjustments, we tend to hear the same suggestions.

Noise-cancelling headphones.

1. Movement breaks
2. Visual schedules
3. Extra time to complete work

And don’t get me wrong. These can be incredibly helpful.

But what about the child who is too embarrassed to put their headphones on because nobody else is wearing them?

Or the child who has permission to take a movement break but would never dream of getting up and walking out of the classroom?

What about the child who holds everything together at school, only to fall apart the minute they get home?

Or the one who spends their entire lunch break wandering around because they don’t know how to join a group?

These are the things I think we need to talk about more.

Because having an adjustment written into a support plan and having an adjustment that a child can actually use are two very different things.

And sometimes, the smallest changes make the biggest difference.

1. When your child looks fine at school but falls apart at home

This one can be particularly difficult to explain.

You hear that your child has had a good day. They’ve completed their work, followed instructions and haven’t caused any problems.

Wonderful.

Except the child who comes home is exhausted, irritable, distressed or completely unable to manage another demand.

It’s hard to reconcile those two versions of the same child.

And it’s even harder when you feel as though you’re trying to convince someone that a problem exists when they haven’t seen it themselves.

Adjustments worth discussing:

• A discreet check-in during the day that doesn’t rely on your child saying they’re fine.
• Scheduled recovery time after demanding activities rather than waiting for them to become overwhelmed.
• A way for you to share patterns of after-school distress with the school.
• Reducing unnecessary demands during particularly exhausting parts of the day.
• Identifying the times when your child is working hardest to appear okay.

What I’d ask at a school meeting:

“I understand that my child appears to be coping at school, but we’re seeing something very different at home. How can we work together to understand what might be contributing to that?”

And another question worth asking:

“Are we measuring how well my child is coping, or how well they’re hiding that they’re struggling?”

Because those aren’t necessarily the same thing.

2. When the adjustment exists, but your child won’t use it

This is something I think gets overlooked far too often.

A school might provide a quiet room, headphones or permission to leave the classroom.

On paper, it sounds great.

But what if your child doesn’t want to be different?

What if they don’t want their classmates asking why they get to leave?

What if asking to use the adjustment feels more uncomfortable than simply putting up with whatever is bothering them?

Then we haven’t really solved the problem.

We’ve provided an option they can’t comfortably access.

Adjustments worth discussing:

• A discreet signal or card to request a break.
• Making headphones or sensory tools available to other students where appropriate.
• Scheduled breaks that don’t require your child to ask.
• Allowing a child to move to a different area without announcing why.
• A private agreement with the teacher about when and how support can be used.

What I’d ask:

“We know this adjustment is available, but is my child actually comfortable using it?”

And:

“Can we make the support less noticeable, so accessing it doesn’t create another source of anxiety?”

Sometimes the barrier isn’t the absence of support.

It’s the way the support is delivered.

3. When lunchtime is harder than the classroom

We spend so much time talking about learning that I think we sometimes forget just how difficult the rest of the school day can be.

Lunch breaks are a perfect example.

For some children, the classroom is predictable. There’s a teacher, a task and an expectation.

Then the bell rings.

Suddenly, there’s noise, movement, friendship groups, unwritten social rules and a whole lot of decisions to make.

Where do I go? Who do I sit with? What if nobody wants to play with me? What if I need some time alone?

And all of this is happening during what’s supposed to be a break.

Adjustments worth discussing:

• Access to a supervised quiet space or library.
• Structured lunchtime activities based on shared interests.
• A predictable place to eat.
• Help navigating friendship difficulties without forcing social interaction.
• The option to spend some breaks alone without that automatically being treated as a problem.

What I’d ask:

“What does lunchtime actually look like for my child?”

Not whether they’ve been in trouble.

Not whether they’ve complained.

But what they’re doing, whether they’re comfortable and whether they’re getting the break they need.

Another question:

“Is lunchtime giving my child a chance to recharge, or is it one of the most demanding parts of their day?”

4. When your child knows the work but can’t get it done

This is one of those situations that can look very different from the outside.

A child might understand the maths perfectly but struggle to start the worksheet.

They might have fantastic ideas for a story but find handwriting exhausting.

They might know exactly what they want to say but become overwhelmed trying to organise it into paragraphs.

From the outside, it can look like a lack of effort.

But knowing something and being able to demonstrate that knowledge aren’t always the same thing.

Adjustments worth discussing:

• Providing the first step of a task rather than simply repeating the instructions.
• Reducing unnecessary copying from the board.
• Allowing typed, spoken or alternative responses when appropriate.
• Breaking tasks into smaller sections with clear stopping points.
• Providing worked examples before independent work.
• Prioritising essential learning over completing every question.

What I’d ask:

“Are we assessing what my child knows, or are we assessing their ability to organise themselves well enough to show us?”

And:

“If the learning objective stays the same, could we change the way my child demonstrates their understanding?”

I think that’s an important distinction.

Support shouldn’t automatically mean making the learning easier.

Sometimes it means removing the things that are getting in the way of the learning.

5. When the school day doesn’t end at the school gate

This is something that deserves more attention.

For some families, getting through the school day comes at a cost that isn’t visible in the classroom.

The afternoon might involve tears, anger, withdrawal, refusal to talk, or a child who needs complete quiet and familiar comforts.

And then there’s homework.

More instructions. More concentration. More demands.

After a day that may have already taken everything they had.

Adjustments worth discussing:

• Reducing or modifying homework when the child’s capacity is significantly affected.
• Prioritising essential tasks rather than requiring all unfinished classwork to be completed at home.
• Providing homework in a predictable format.
• Agreeing on a realistic time limit for homework.
• Reviewing whether homework is achieving its intended educational purpose.

What I’d ask:

“Given how much effort school requires from my child, what is the purpose of this homework, and is there another way to achieve it?”

Or:

“If my child has already spent the entire day working to manage their difficulties, can we look at whether these additional demands are reasonable?”

I’m not suggesting children should never be challenged.

But I do think we need to recognise that the same task can require vastly different amounts of effort from different children.

6. When school rules create more problems than they solve

Most schools have rules around uniforms, sitting still, speaking in class, eating times, toilet breaks and behaviour.

And of course schools need structure.

But sometimes a rule that works perfectly well for most children creates a significant barrier for another.

Take uniforms.

For one child, a particular pair of socks is just a pair of socks.

For another, the seams might feel unbearable for the entire day.

Or consider a child who is told they can’t leave class to use the toilet, despite finding the school bathrooms so overwhelming that they’ve been avoiding them all day.

These things can sound small.

Until you’re the family trying to manage the consequences.

Adjustments worth discussing:

• Flexible uniform options where sensory needs create difficulties.
• Access to a quieter or more suitable toilet.
• Permission to eat or drink at different times when needed.
• Alternatives to sitting on the floor during assemblies.
• Flexibility around eye contact, fidgeting or movement.
• Private feedback rather than public behaviour charts.

What I’d ask:

“Is this expectation essential to my child’s learning or safety, or is it simply the way things are usually done?”

And:

“Can we achieve the same outcome in a way that doesn’t create unnecessary distress?”

Sometimes the solution isn’t asking the child to tolerate more.

It’s questioning whether the expectation needs to be quite so rigid in the first place.

7. When camps, excursions and special events aren’t as simple as they sound

For many families, an excursion note comes home and the biggest question is whether the date clashes with anything.

For others, that permission slip is the beginning of a much longer thought process.

What’s the transport like?

How loud will it be?

Where will they eat?

What if they need the toilet?

What happens if they’re overwhelmed?

Will they know who to ask for help?

Can they leave an activity if they need to?

And that’s before we’ve even considered school camps.

Adjustments worth discussing:

• Receiving detailed information well before an excursion.
• Photographs of venues, transport and facilities.
• Advance planning for food, toilets and sensory challenges.
• A nominated staff member who understands the child’s needs.
• Flexible participation in particular activities.
• Individualised arrangements for camp accommodation, meals and communication.

What I’d ask:

“What would need to be put in place for my child to participate comfortably and safely?”

Rather than:

“Do you think my child will manage?”

Those two questions can lead to very different conversations.

8. When the support depends on which teacher is in the room

One teacher understands your child beautifully.

They recognise the signs of overwhelm. They know when to give space and when to offer help. They understand that a particular behaviour isn’t necessarily defiance.

Then that teacher is away.

Or your child moves into a new year level.

And suddenly you’re explaining everything again.

Adjustments worth discussing:

• A concise, practical student profile available to relevant staff.
• Clear instructions for relief teachers.
• Advance planning for teacher and classroom transitions.
• A nominated staff member responsible for coordinating adjustments.
• Regular reviews of what’s working and what isn’t.

What I’d ask:

“If my child’s regular teacher is absent tomorrow, will the replacement teacher know what support my child needs?”

And:

“How can we make sure my child’s support doesn’t depend entirely on one person’s understanding?”

Because good support needs to be consistent, not accidental.

9. When behaviour is telling us something

I think this is one of the most important conversations families can have with schools.

When a child becomes distressed, refuses a task, leaves the classroom or reacts strongly to something, it’s easy for the conversation to become focused on the behaviour itself.

What happened?

What rule was broken?

What consequence should follow?

But I think we also need to ask what happened before the behaviour.

Was the child overwhelmed?

Did they understand what was expected?

Had something unexpected changed?

Were they struggling to communicate?

Was there a sensory or social demand they couldn’t manage?

Understanding the reason doesn’t mean ignoring behaviour or safety.

It means recognising that consequences alone may not address what’s actually going wrong.

Adjustments worth discussing:

• Identifying early warning signs of distress.
• Developing an individualised regulation and support plan.
• Reducing predictable triggers where possible.
• Teaching and supporting alternative ways to communicate needs.
• Using private, supportive responses rather than public reprimands.
• Reviewing whether disciplinary consequences are unintentionally removing supports the child needs.

What I’d ask:

“Before we decide how to respond to this behaviour, can we look at what might be causing it?”

And:

“What can we change to reduce the likelihood of my child reaching this point again?”

10. When your child is doing well academically, but school is still hard

This is one that I think can get lost.

A child might be achieving excellent grades.

They might be articulate, knowledgeable and capable.

They might even be described as a pleasure to teach.

And yet school can still be incredibly difficult.

Academic achievement doesn’t automatically tell us how much effort a child is using to manage sensory challenges, anxiety, social expectations or executive functioning difficulties.

Adjustments worth discussing:

• Appropriate academic extension alongside disability-related support.
• Alternative formats for oral presentations or group work.
• Reduced unnecessary social or sensory demands.
• Support with organisation and transitions.
• Regular check-ins about wellbeing, not just academic progress.

What I’d ask:

“I know my child is doing well academically, but how are we assessing whether they’re coping with everything else school requires?”

Because good grades and genuine wellbeing are not interchangeable.

⸻

Before your next school meeting, think about these five things

You don’t need to walk into a meeting with a perfect plan or a detailed understanding of education legislation.

But it can help to think about:

1. What is my child finding difficult? Not just the obvious problems, but the smaller things that build up across the day.
2. What does it cost them to manage those difficulties? Think about exhaustion, anxiety, emotional regulation and what happens outside school hours.
3. What support is already available, and can my child actually use it? An adjustment is only useful if it works in practice.
4. What could we change about the environment or expectations? Rather than focusing exclusively on what your child needs to learn to tolerate.
5. How will we know whether things are improving? And when will everyone meet again to review the plan?

A final thought

I don’t think most parents walk into school meetings wanting special treatment for their children.

We want them to learn.

We want them to have friends, try new things, experience success and feel that they belong.

We want them to have opportunities to become more independent, without expecting them to manage difficulties they don’t yet have the skills or capacity to navigate alone.

And sometimes we want something as simple as collecting our child from school and knowing they haven’t spent the entire day just trying to hold it together.

The Disability Standards for Education exist to protect the rights of students with disability, including through reasonable adjustments.

But understanding those rights is only one part of the picture.

The other part is knowing what to ask for, recognising when something isn’t working and feeling confident enough to keep the conversation going.

Because an adjustment that looks good on paper means very little if it doesn’t make school more accessible for the child who needs it.

And sometimes the most useful question we can ask isn’t, “How can we help my child cope better with school?”

It’s:

“What could we change about school so my child doesn’t have to work quite so hard just to get through the day?”

⸻

The Wider Table provides general information and lived-experience perspectives for Australian neurodivergent families. Adjustments must be considered in each student’s individual circumstances, and schools are required to comply with applicable disability discrimination laws. This article is not legal advice.